What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She said her name was "party"
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
