Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
