and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
