Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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