addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
