In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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