i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize