Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
