two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
