Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
