You're my little dorito
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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