dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
