It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
