I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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