It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
