so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
