Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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