Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
