Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
