I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I want a musical about memes.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
