I'm lost and stupid without you.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
