Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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