I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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