Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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