I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
