I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
