90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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