let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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