somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
