so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
