So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
