dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize