Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize