this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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