Already got asked if we're dating
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
