If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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