I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
