great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
