You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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