Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
