nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
