I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
