I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
