at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
