Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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