420 ftw
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
