I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
