the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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