I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
