some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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