there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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