im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
