Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
