Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
