Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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