I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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