Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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