I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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