Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I haven't been this sober since birth.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
