I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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