I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
