We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize