you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
