My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
