I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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