so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
