the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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